"Don't date a democrat": How pleasure, power & politics are fucking with your sex life
From OnlyFans couples, kink studies, and cyber brothels to conservative dating brands.
When I worked at Erika Lust Films, an indie porn company, I often wondered what it would be like to make “adult” content myself.
While I crafted workshops & secured university partnerships as a Communications intern, I never asked my co-worker (ELF’s publicist & actress at the time) how she started performing—mainly because I wanted to teach sex ed to minors. I was scared it’d “hurt my career.”
But I admired every part of her. She was sharp, magnetic, and absolutely unfazed—one minute writing press releases, the next arching her back on camera like a fucking goddess.
I kept my exploration hidden. I filmed with partners here and there, but it always felt risky. It was hot, so hot. But twinged with danger and my socialized gut feeling that filming myself having sex was wrong.
Looking back, I know my fear was misplaced. Because the truth is: we could all learn a thing or two from sex workers—especially the couples making porn together.
For your listening pleasure as we ask: what if the porn stars and kinksters are the sane ones—and the real danger lies with the people trying to control our desire?
Making porn could strengthen your relationship.
For many couples, amateur porn starts as a joke, a dare, or a fantasy: “What if we filmed this?”
Maybe you actually do, but you keep the video in the hidden section of your phone. For others, that casual curiosity turned into a pandemic-era side hustle, and eventually, a full-time OnlyFans career.
You might call it impulsive, but making amateur porn requires serious emotional agility. Couples in the industry credit their success to vulnerability, boundary setting, therapy, and comprehensive communication.
By fucking on camera, they stumbled into what most relationship experts & coaches try to teach: Talk openly. Build trust. Don’t assume intimacy will survive just because you love each other. And above all, differentiate what you share with the world versus what is scared between the two of you. Personally, I’m taking notes.
So you think you’re better than a sadist?
Filming your own sex life isn’t the only thing mainstream culture still sees as “deviant.” Kink—especially BDSM—has long been berated as a symptom of trauma or dysfunction. Hollywood doesn’t help: from Fifty Shades of Grey to Sanctuary, The Boys, Billions, and Strange Darling, kink gets coded as villainy, violence, or insurmountable childhood wounds.
But a new 2024 study suggests the opposite. They found that people into BDSM are more grounded, securely attached, open-minded, and less “neurotic” (especially Dom/mes).
Which definitely tracks. Kink demands clarity, consent, and consistent communication; it thrives on mutual care, not irrefutable control. “Play” isn’t a manifestation or expression of trauma. If anything, it’s a method of healing from it.
And we might be in for more dynamic representations of kink on the big screen. A new film, Pillion, just premiered at Cannes, starring Alexander Skarsgård as a biker club leader who takes on a male submissive played by Harry Melling.
How often do we get to see gay men openly cultivate trust and negotiate control within D/s relationships? Pedro Pascal was among many who cheered during Pillion’s seven minute standing ovation. What a submissive king.
While Pedro & Alexander shared a passionate cheek kiss over the beauty of queerness and kink—a giant “fuck you” in the face of those who call it socially dysfunctional—politicians are trying to decide what the rest of us are allowed to desire.
If fucking were illegal, we’d all be criminals.
A new GOP bill wants to change the Supreme Court’s definition of “obscenity,” a legal category of speech or media not protected under the First Amendment.
Currently, prosecutors must prove that an act or work is considered offensive by a broader community. But this bill, the Interstate Obscenity Definition Act, would allow those same prosecutors to argue something is obscene simply because they find it morally reprehensible. Also, let the record show that IODA is specifically concerned with “excessive interest in sexual matters.” So…everyone that likes to fuck, watch people fuck, or talk about fucking.
Please let that sink in: someone else’s perception sexual indecency or its representation could dictate your access to porn, education, and pleasure.
Add this one to the larger constellation of Project 2025. The Trump Administration has shuttered labs for STI research, frozen Title X funding, and threatened to pull federal aid for higher ed in the sciences & gender studies alike—all while ignoring tech platforms exposing minors to unregulated explicit content.
Curious, isn’t it, how they’re not rushing to crack down on AI?
The technological fantasy of an obedient woman.
Welcome to the age of AI girlfriends, sex dolls, and cyber brothels, babe.
Platforms like Joi AI proudly market their characters as ones that never say no, that never make you wait. These bots are designed to mirror your desires exactly. They exist to be wanted, not to want.
In physical spaces, cyber brothels allow men to rent hyper-realistic sex dolls for total, practically unchecked control. There are even reports of violence against dolls (though Cyberbrothel in Berlin denies it). Online, AI chatbots sext with teens & even romanticize statutory rape.
These fantasies don’t just erase consent. They rewrite the concept entirely. Sex dolls and simulated consciousness are human enough to flirt and fuck, but object enough that they’re “impossible” to violate. And when men already feel rejected by real women, the appeal of a digital girl who never refuses, or who’s cries are okay to ignore, becomes far too convenient.
Politics & pleasure: “Don’t date a Democrat”
So, what happens when you re-enter the real world?
Dating has never been more fractured. Men and women feel lonelier than ever, but women turn to therapy, community & friends. Men? Isolation, anger or the “Make America Right Again” singles event.
JD Vance recently called dating apps “destructive,” blaming them for intensifying declines in marriage and family formation. As the dating industry responds to users “swipe fatigue”, IRL events, matchmaking services, and even right-wing dating apps are spiking.
And those conservative spaces? The men are showing up in droves. The women? Not so much. Many educated, liberal babes don’t want to date men who actively endorse a government that fleeces women of their rights, bodily autonomy, and access to comprehensive reproductive healthcare.
The real threat? Women who want.
Sex workers aren’t the problem. Kinky people aren’t broken. Desire isn’t immoral.
What’s really under attack are women who want:
Pleasure. Options. Autonomy. A life beyond a man’s fragile ego.
That’s what’s getting criminalized, mocked, or digitally replaced.
We’ve softened our desire to make it more palatable—vibrators now come in the shape of unicorns and starfish. We’re going boy sober and binge-reading romantasy smut where men love out loud and actually untangle the origins of their obsession with power.
But unlike AI girlfriends or trigger-happy lawmakers, we’re not dreaming of control—we’re dreaming of freedom. A world where we’re not punished for wanting more or acquiescing less. A world that doesn’t demand we shut up, smile, and settle.
And honestly? That shouldn’t be too much to ask.
But, ummm, where do you get those unicorn vibrators anyway?