The Pussy Economy
$100K matchmakers, vibrators under surveillance, and a 22-year-old who restored my faith in head.
Being worshipped is as pleasurable as it is terrifying.
Last Tuesday I went on a date with a guy two years younger than me—I’m 24 so that felt borderline illegal. I showed up to Tina’s in Bushwick expecting my usual bout of nerves: chest-tightening anxiety and the avoidant urge to bolt.
Instead, a curly haired boy with a soft smile stood up to hug me. And for once, I felt calm.
This greeting was only surpassed later—when he got on his knees and buried his face in my thighs.
I always thought dating older meant dating men with more stability or emotional maturity. But a 22-year-old actor from Pennsylvania opened up to me more on our first date than any man I’ve fucked this year.
And he eats my pussy better than all of them, too.
Too bad good head can’t save us from bad algorithms.
Here’s what’s new in the Date-O-Sphere…
I asked my Hinge matches about AI & dating…
Nothing gets a conversation going like a hot take—and the men of Hinge had plenty to say about the future of romance and robots.
The consensus? Technological intrusion on our intimate lives is inevitable, and we don’t really get a say.
Little did he know, The New York Times already dropped “She Fell In Love With ChatGPT” back in February.
Whether we like it or not, AI is here—and Tinder, Bumble, and Grindr are all banking on bot-curated bios and AI-generated pick-up lines to keep us swiping.
But…do we want that?
Apparently, not.
Apparently, we want run clubs.
She’s a runner, she’s a very single track star.
I refuse to succumb to the never-ending, horny, high-speed dating trend that is the runner’s club. I played volleyball for a reason. Not cross country.
But for adrenaline junkies and the swiped-out masses, jogging alongside sweaty singles sounds like heaven compared to the dating app atrocities as of late.
And honestly? I get it. Give me IRL over apps any day.
At the same time, if we had enough money, would we pay to get out of the dating rat race?
How to buy the perfect match…
And no, I’m not talking about coughing up $20/mo for an OkCupid subscription.
Out in Silicon Valley, tech execs are shelling out $100,000 minimum for premium matchmakers to conjure them a soulmate.
Talk about fuck you money! But fr—if you’re investing six figures in a date, your expectations are probably deranged.
I mean, c’mon, connecting is harder than it’s ever been. Wealth and political disparities are at an all time high. Add a layer of miscommunication via text, comments sections, and 60-second reels—and boom. Fucking chaos.
No wonder millionaires are throwing money at the problem.
Newsflash: we’d all be happier if we ate more pussy.
Finally! A dating app that’s actually trying to close the orgasm gap.
I don’t even like receiving oral that much. But I will say: lovers who munch are usually the ones willing to do just about anything to make me cum. Inclusive of deploying my entire toy collection.
Hence, the dawn of Lingus, the new dating app banning men who “don’t go downtown.”
But if Sex and the City taught me anything (Season 2, Episode 3, to be exact), it’s this: “You don’t fall in love with Mr. Pussy. You enjoy him and then set him free”—Samantha, duh.
Still, Lingus is bound to produce more squirting than Tinder ever did.
Meanwhile, Texas thinks your vibrator is obscene.
*Clutches pearls*
A new bill would require ID verification to purchase sex toys online, because nothing screams freedom like the government policing your orgasms.
In a state where minors can still access firearms with fewer restrictions, it’s clear what’s really being protected—and it’s not pleasure. Lord help us.
If the government’s gonna try to restrict our orgasms, we might as well stock up.
Here are some pleasure essentials worth hoarding:
Shrooms for sex.
Just in time for the April 13th premiere of The Last of Us Season 2, CBD Life Sciences is launching a Passion Fuel Cordyceps Complex.
Instead of hijacking your brain like a zombie fungus, this mushroom blend is designed to hijack your libido.
Personally? Regular-degular chocolate or dried shrooms already make me wildly horny. So I’m not sure what they’re putting in these capsules to crank that up a notch—but I’m curious.
Men deserve sex toys too.
I think guys are just jealous that we have better tools (lol).
They get all uptight when we ask to whip out our vibrator like they don’t need the assist (you don’t turn down your best wingman, c’mon).
But, I’ve got some exciting news for ya: there are PLENTY of sex toys for penises and prostates, baby.
Here’s a comprehensive GQ guide to what’s on the market these days, and damn, I wish I could use them.
Sex toy savings for the hot & bothered budgeter.
We may not have $100K to drop on a matchmaker like Silicon Valley execs, but you can still treat yourself (and your coochie) without going broke.
While I detest Bezos with every fiber of my being, I still use Prime. Sorryyyyy.
If your inner anti-capitalist can stomach it, check out Amazon’s Spring Sex Toy Sale (bc pleasure should be affordable, even if rent isn’t).
People always ask me how to find play parties in their city, so I posted a reel on Instagram last week with three go-to methods I use wherever I travel.
I also invited folks to recommend their favorite parties in the comments section—the response was overwhelming!
One name kept coming up:
Erotica NYC
This Black fem-owned and run kink community is BIPOC centered and perfect for anime, cosplay, and gaming nerds.
I grew up on Studio Ghibli (I don’t think I watched “real people” TV until I was well into high school) so I love that Mistress Nita built Erotica with those themes in mind.
It isn’t easy finding POC centered spaces in the kink scene, especially if you don’t live in a predominantly Black and brown city. If you’ve been craving a more diverse & inclusive space, start by filling out their membership app!
And Erotica isn’t just a party. They host (gamer-themed) socials, dating events, fashion shows, and workshops.
Basically, everything you want from a spicy community—plus some Nana nastiness (very hot).
At last, it’s time to get the fuck off of the internet with this week’s NYC (dating) event round up.
If the event is sold out, don’t shoot the messenger 🥴
Erotica NYC (4 Spicy Socializing)
Tuesday, April 1st: The Social | 8pm
Met Through Friends (4 Dating)
Wednesday, April 2nd: Singles Game Night @ Tempo | 7pm
Bored Of Dating Apps (4 Dating)
Thursday, April 3rd: Anti-Dating App Social @ Friends & Lovers | 7pm
The Den (4 Flirty Drinks)
Thursday, April 3rd: Late Night Cocktail Series @ Aliya |8pm
First Round’s On Me (4 Dating & Partying)
Saturday, April 5th: Brunch Launch Party | 11am
Raw Honey NYC (4 The Gays)
Sunday, April 6th: Queer Conscious Social Club @ The Bush | 4pm
Now go forth & be human!! Maybe I’ll see you there.
In love & lust,
Connie
Love this!